Jeff Hinton (talk | contribs) |
No edit summary |
||
| Line 1: | Line 1: | ||
== | == Comments from Zach == | ||
I | General: Good job, tons of information. I like the references to your sources, very well done. This page is very thourough and I am impressed. I made some small edits to help coherence via sentence structure, without changing the meaning of any sentences. You can check these by looking at the page history. | ||
<br>I would consider cutting some of it out so that the things that you would like to emphasise the most are represented the most. Read through the paragraphs out loud or to a friend to see if the wording is the way you would want to express these thoughts. | |||
:Hi Joe, | Also, there are some paragraphs that are really long, in general paragraphs should not be over 5 sentences with out a break. This helps people´s brains to break up the information into manageable chunks, and it helps you stay focused and consice in your langauge by grouping sentences together around a theme in every paragraph. I edited the Background section to this effect as an example. | ||
:Great question. | |||
:About the footnote style... I think it will work out very well as the students move their literature review topics into their actual project documentation. | Spell check is your friend. There are some small spelling mistakes. Also check for mistakes in non-spellcheck words ie Majamut | ||
Some of your references could use fixing. I´m glad you have them, though ; ) | |||
Project scope section - You said in your surveys it wasnt´t found to affect the flavor of traditional meals, please explain these surveys since it is the first time you mention them, or provide an internal in text link to the Survey section. Very well written otherwise. | |||
== References == | |||
I have changed the references to put them in foot notes, wikipedia style. Looking at it now I'm not sure if it is better or not. What do you think? | |||
The article title is "HSU Chiapas". Who is that ? Are they the authors of this? If so then we need to include an acknowledgement for where this came from but this shouldn't go in the page name. What are you aiming for with this page - '''Comparison of improved cook stoves'''? {{Unsigned2| 03:39 11 jul 2010|Joe Raftery}} | |||
:Hi Joe, | |||
:Great question. Thanks. This page is for students building cookstoves in the HSU Chiapas program. The cookstoves will be built here in Chiapas, so the page name is probably great. What is missing is a template header letting people know what is going on with this page. I will add it now. In addition, all the project pages as part of the [[HSU Chiapas 2010 Program]] now have (they didn't when you left your great question) a project description which would have answered your question as well. | |||
:About the footnote style... I think it will work out very well as the students move their literature review topics into their actual project documentation. Actually, I may have students just use footnotes with all their content at this stage in the future. | |||
:Thank you, --[[User:Lonny|Lonny]] 20:14, 18 July 2010 (UTC) | :Thank you, --[[User:Lonny|Lonny]] 20:14, 18 July 2010 (UTC) | ||
== literature review comments == | == literature review comments == | ||
Hi Cookstove Team, | Hi Cookstove Team, | ||
Nice start. Here is some feedback. | Nice start. Here is some feedback. | ||
*Be very careful: Health impacts section is currently plagiarism. | |||
*community affect should be community effect | *Be very careful: Health impacts section is currently plagiarism. | ||
*community affect should be community effect | |||
*Please work on the mainy typos | *Please work on the mainy typos | ||
suggested topics: | suggested topics: | ||
*local fuels | |||
*Fuel basics | *local fuels | ||
*common local stove types (w/photo?) | *Fuel basics | ||
*Heat basics | *common local stove types (w/photo?) | ||
*Heat basics | |||
**combustion science (stoichiometry) | **combustion science (stoichiometry) | ||
*Earthen plasters | *Earthen plasters | ||
*Earthen construction | *Earthen construction | ||
Fix your last image of a table. | Fix your last image of a table. An actual table would be much better than an image. Also consider just linking to the information. If you must upload an image, make sure you use a unique name and do not overwrite someone else's image. | ||
Your images must have sources listed. Edit the page of the image itself and say what the source is and what rights to share it has (for example Creative Commons - Share Alike and By Attribution). I made changes on the mainpage as well. You can use the history tab and compare changes to see the changes. | |||
Thank you, --[[User:Lonny|Lonny]] 20:22, 18 July 2010 (UTC) | |||
== Project Background/Objective Feedback == | |||
Good start, just needs polishing and references! | |||
Good start, just needs polishing and references! | |||
*reformat or remove image: "components de la esufa patsari" | *reformat or remove image: "components de la esufa patsari" | ||
*background on otros mundos as an organization | *background on otros mundos as an organization | ||
*provide link to otros mundos | *provide link to otros mundos | ||
*there is a "they problem", improve pronoun selection. | *there is a "they problem", improve pronoun selection. | ||
*First person is not preferred writing style, but it is acceptable if you want to continue with it | *First person is not preferred writing style, but it is acceptable if you want to continue with it | ||
*first sentence is a run-on, too many commas, im confused. | *first sentence is a run-on, too many commas, im confused. | ||
*second sentence is not clear or grammatically correct. | *second sentence is not clear or grammatically correct. | ||
*omit the name of the community for the time being, per Lonny's instruction. | *omit the name of the community for the time being, per Lonny's instruction. | ||
*first sentence, second paragraph is awkward, maybe add a new sentence to convey the fact that the stove will be built in the home of a local resident. | *first sentence, second paragraph is awkward, maybe add a new sentence to convey the fact that the stove will be built in the home of a local resident. | ||
*second sentence, second paragraph: reword suggested "The stoves....", also, are you saying both of the stove designs achieve these benefits? do you have references for these assertions? | *second sentence, second paragraph: reword suggested "The stoves....", also, are you saying both of the stove designs achieve these benefits? do you have references for these assertions? | ||
*Third sentence, second paragraph: replace "they" pronouns. | *Third sentence, second paragraph: replace "they" pronouns. | ||
*Add background information about existing cooking fuels and their drawbacks. Reference any assertions about indoor air quality and respiratory problems. | *Add background information about existing cooking fuels and their drawbacks. Reference any assertions about indoor air quality and respiratory problems. | ||
*Third paragraph: includes some good useful info that is perfect in a "background" paragraph. The personal tone of the paragraph doesn't work that well, the reasons for pursuing this project are good, can you present them differently? | *Third paragraph: includes some good useful info that is perfect in a "background" paragraph. The personal tone of the paragraph doesn't work that well, the reasons for pursuing this project are good, can you present them differently? | ||
*I recommend an objecive statement...a single sentence which reads "The objective of this project is to....." | *I recommend an objecive statement...a single sentence which reads "The objective of this project is to....." | ||
*Provide a reference for ALL your assertations. | *Provide a reference for ALL your assertations. | ||
--[[User:Jeff Hinton|Jeff Hinton]] 00:14, 19 July 2010 (UTC) | --[[User:Jeff Hinton|Jeff Hinton]] 00:14, 19 July 2010 (UTC) | ||
Revision as of 00:22, 1 August 2010
Comments from Zach
General: Good job, tons of information. I like the references to your sources, very well done. This page is very thourough and I am impressed. I made some small edits to help coherence via sentence structure, without changing the meaning of any sentences. You can check these by looking at the page history.
I would consider cutting some of it out so that the things that you would like to emphasise the most are represented the most. Read through the paragraphs out loud or to a friend to see if the wording is the way you would want to express these thoughts.
Also, there are some paragraphs that are really long, in general paragraphs should not be over 5 sentences with out a break. This helps people´s brains to break up the information into manageable chunks, and it helps you stay focused and consice in your langauge by grouping sentences together around a theme in every paragraph. I edited the Background section to this effect as an example.
Spell check is your friend. There are some small spelling mistakes. Also check for mistakes in non-spellcheck words ie Majamut
Some of your references could use fixing. I´m glad you have them, though ; )
Project scope section - You said in your surveys it wasnt´t found to affect the flavor of traditional meals, please explain these surveys since it is the first time you mention them, or provide an internal in text link to the Survey section. Very well written otherwise.
References
I have changed the references to put them in foot notes, wikipedia style. Looking at it now I'm not sure if it is better or not. What do you think?
The article title is "HSU Chiapas". Who is that ? Are they the authors of this? If so then we need to include an acknowledgement for where this came from but this shouldn't go in the page name. What are you aiming for with this page - Comparison of improved cook stoves? —The preceding unsigned comment was added by 03:39 11 jul 2010, Joe Raftery
- Hi Joe,
- Great question. Thanks. This page is for students building cookstoves in the HSU Chiapas program. The cookstoves will be built here in Chiapas, so the page name is probably great. What is missing is a template header letting people know what is going on with this page. I will add it now. In addition, all the project pages as part of the HSU Chiapas 2010 Program now have (they didn't when you left your great question) a project description which would have answered your question as well.
- About the footnote style... I think it will work out very well as the students move their literature review topics into their actual project documentation. Actually, I may have students just use footnotes with all their content at this stage in the future.
- Thank you, --Lonny 20:14, 18 July 2010 (UTC)
literature review comments
Hi Cookstove Team,
Nice start. Here is some feedback.
- Be very careful: Health impacts section is currently plagiarism.
- community affect should be community effect
- Please work on the mainy typos
suggested topics:
- local fuels
- Fuel basics
- common local stove types (w/photo?)
- Heat basics
- combustion science (stoichiometry)
- Earthen plasters
- Earthen construction
Fix your last image of a table. An actual table would be much better than an image. Also consider just linking to the information. If you must upload an image, make sure you use a unique name and do not overwrite someone else's image.
Your images must have sources listed. Edit the page of the image itself and say what the source is and what rights to share it has (for example Creative Commons - Share Alike and By Attribution). I made changes on the mainpage as well. You can use the history tab and compare changes to see the changes.
Thank you, --Lonny 20:22, 18 July 2010 (UTC)
Project Background/Objective Feedback
Good start, just needs polishing and references!
- reformat or remove image: "components de la esufa patsari"
- background on otros mundos as an organization
- provide link to otros mundos
- there is a "they problem", improve pronoun selection.
- First person is not preferred writing style, but it is acceptable if you want to continue with it
- first sentence is a run-on, too many commas, im confused.
- second sentence is not clear or grammatically correct.
- omit the name of the community for the time being, per Lonny's instruction.
- first sentence, second paragraph is awkward, maybe add a new sentence to convey the fact that the stove will be built in the home of a local resident.
- second sentence, second paragraph: reword suggested "The stoves....", also, are you saying both of the stove designs achieve these benefits? do you have references for these assertions?
- Third sentence, second paragraph: replace "they" pronouns.
- Add background information about existing cooking fuels and their drawbacks. Reference any assertions about indoor air quality and respiratory problems.
- Third paragraph: includes some good useful info that is perfect in a "background" paragraph. The personal tone of the paragraph doesn't work that well, the reasons for pursuing this project are good, can you present them differently?
- I recommend an objecive statement...a single sentence which reads "The objective of this project is to....."
- Provide a reference for ALL your assertations.
--Jeff Hinton 00:14, 19 July 2010 (UTC)