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'''9.Misc:'''<br /> | '''9.Misc:'''<br /> | ||
*Dumb down the wording in the intro sentence. '''(Ryan)''' | *Dumb down the wording in the intro sentence. '''(Ryan)''' | ||
*“Construction of the battery <s>resists</s> [[prevents]] the electrons from…”. | *“Construction of the battery <s>resists</s> [[prevents]] the electrons from…”. '''(no, only resists, batteries go dead after a while without completing the circuit)''' | ||
*Hopefully someone will come up with a competitive way to recycle batteries so consumers can get paid incentives for recycling, like for glass and aluminum… Nice work overall. <br /> | *Hopefully someone will come up with a competitive way to recycle batteries so consumers can get paid incentives for recycling, like for glass and aluminum… Nice work overall. <br /> | ||
'''End Comments by Tommy Munro'''-<br /> | '''End Comments by Tommy Munro'''-<br /> |
Revision as of 03:45, 9 May 2010
Article name
Article name is not well chosen, choose Primary vs secondary electrochemical cells instead, see engineering terminology 81.243.180.245 09:33, 20 February 2010 (UTC)
LCA Draft Page comments by Tommy Munro:
1.Strengths: The page is comprehensive. I like the background briefing on battery types and uses. The LCA was thorough. The conclusion wrapped up everything with a take home message. Nice.
2.Improvements: (James) Addition of captions to the tables, table numbering in addition to the source reference numbering. Maybe include the source reference number in the table captions if possible.
3.Navigation: (James) The intro sentence should be turned into a proper paragraph. You could do this by beefing the intro with a few sentences about the LCA outline and organization of topics. This would be redundant to the table of contents, but it would make page navigation foolproof.
4.Headings: (??? Don't know what this means - James) In the paragraphs, put more space after the end of each main section (not subsection). Also the subheadings seem to pop out more than the main headings.
5.Topic sentences: (James - added subheading instead) Put your recommendation first in your concluding paragraph.
6.Referencing: (Good) Good text references, see comment 2. Good use of multiple sources and formatting of references.
7.Tables as Text: (Ryan) a couple tables could be changed to text.
8.Document length: (Good) Good length. No changes
9.Misc:
- Dumb down the wording in the intro sentence. (Ryan)
- “Construction of the battery
resistsprevents the electrons from…”. (no, only resists, batteries go dead after a while without completing the circuit) - Hopefully someone will come up with a competitive way to recycle batteries so consumers can get paid incentives for recycling, like for glass and aluminum… Nice work overall.
End Comments by Tommy Munro-
LCA Comments from Dylan Gray-
1. Strengths:
- Clear and informative, logical progression of thought
2. Correct:
- Battery Basics
- (James) Current= Voltage*Resistance, maybe say it doesn’t only depend on voltage
- Introduction
- (James) state life cycle analysis is (LCA)
- (James) Maybe just give a quick overview of what's going to be talked about below, make it a paragraph
- Primary vs. Secondary
- (James)‘ability for battery recharged’ awkward
- Type 1
- (James)‘batteries terminals’ --> battery terminals
- Type 2
- (James) capital ‘Batteries?’
- Results/Methods
- use subscripts for molecules
- PO43? Maybe (PO4)3
- Manufacturing
- (James) ‘$100 million in secondary See the table’ maybe state batteries and a period after secondary
- ‘The table makes the assumption’ maybe- 'the assumption is made,' really, the table isn’t doing anything
- Distribution/Transportation
- you measure battery transportation in energy, but buyers and sellers usually care about how many they have (numbers)
- (James) Arcata to Los Angeles is around 1000 km driving
- (James)The end of this section sounds more conversational than the rest (and not finished- but you know that)
- Use
- ‘heated above the batteries threshold’ battery
- Recycling
- ‘Nickel metal hydride (NiMH) batteries the recycled’ awkward
- Conclusion
- ‘secondary bttery technologies’ spelling
- (I am :) - James) The capitals sound like you’re yelling
- Notes
- not sure what the purpose of this is
3. Navigation:
- It's only a page, not too hard to find things
4. Headings:
- The main title could be revised- tell Lonny
5. Topic sentences:
- I think these were done very well, clear and prepares me for the rest of the section
6. Figures:
- (James) The figures are of tables, so which are they? Either way they are not labeled, but are referred to in the text
- It would be nice to have a couple visuals in there, I learn much better when I see it
7. References:
- 8 References, 3 contributors, yes
8. Tables:
- These are not done as text, they're kept as pictures
9. Length:
- Overall good length, just strengthen the intro some
10. Last Words:
- Very well done, nice pace, well written, interesting
LCA comments from Dylan Gray complete