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**not sure what the purpose of this is
**not sure what the purpose of this is
'''3. Navigation:'''
'''3. Navigation:'''
*It's only a page, not too hard to find things '''(I agree, but people seem to be too short of time to be bothered with reading start to finish)'''
*It's only a page, not too hard to find things
'''4. Headings:'''
'''4. Headings:'''
*The main title could be revised- tell Lonny
*The main title could be revised- tell Lonny

Revision as of 05:32, 9 May 2010

Article name

Article name is not well chosen, choose Primary vs secondary electrochemical cells instead, see engineering terminology 81.243.180.245 09:33, 20 February 2010 (UTC)Reply[reply]



LCA Draft Page comments by Tommy Munro:

1.Strengths: The page is comprehensive. I like the background briefing on battery types and uses. The LCA was thorough. The conclusion wrapped up everything with a take home message. Nice.
2.Improvements: (James) Addition of captions to the tables, table numbering in addition to the source reference numbering. Maybe include the source reference number in the table captions if possible.
3.Navigation: (James) The intro sentence should be turned into a proper paragraph. You could do this by beefing the intro with a few sentences about the LCA outline and organization of topics. This would be redundant to the table of contents, but it would make page navigation foolproof. 4.Headings: (??? Don't know what this means - James) In the paragraphs, put more space after the end of each main section (not subsection). Also the subheadings seem to pop out more than the main headings.
5.Topic sentences: (James - added subheading instead) Put your recommendation first in your concluding paragraph.
6.Referencing: (Good) Good text references, see comment 2. Good use of multiple sources and formatting of references.
7.Tables as Text: (Ryan) a couple tables could be changed to text.
8.Document length: (Good) Good length. No changes
9.Misc:

  • Dumb down the wording in the intro sentence. (Ryan)
  • “Construction of the battery resists prevents the electrons from…”. (no, only resists; batteries go dead after a while without completing the circuit -Ryan)
  • Hopefully someone will come up with a competitive way to recycle batteries so consumers can get paid incentives for recycling, like for glass and aluminum… Nice work overall.

End Comments by Tommy Munro-

LCA Comments from Dylan Gray-

1. Strengths:

  • Clear and informative, logical progression of thought

2. Correct:

  • Battery Basics
    • (James) Current= Voltage*Resistance, maybe say it doesn’t only depend on voltage
  • Introduction
    • (James) state life cycle analysis is (LCA)
    • (James) Maybe just give a quick overview of what's going to be talked about below, make it a paragraph
  • Primary vs. Secondary
    • (James)‘ability for battery recharged’ awkward
  • Type 1
    • (James)‘batteries terminals’ --> battery terminals
  • Type 2
    • (James) capital ‘Batteries?’
  • Results/Methods
    • use subscripts for molecules (some by Ryan)
    • PO43? Maybe (PO4)3 (some by Ryan)
  • Manufacturing
    • (James) ‘$100 million in secondary See the table’ maybe state batteries and a period after secondary
    • ‘The table makes the assumption’ maybe- 'the assumption is made,' really, the table isn’t doing anything (Ryan)
  • Distribution/Transportation
    • you measure battery transportation in energy, but buyers and sellers usually care about how many they have (numbers)
    • (James) Arcata to Los Angeles is around 1000 km driving
    • (James)The end of this section sounds more conversational than the rest (and not finished- but you know that)
  • Use
    • ‘heated above the batteries threshold’ battery (Ryan)
  • Recycling
    • ‘Nickel metal hydride (NiMH) batteries the recycled’ awkward
  • Conclusion
    • ‘secondary bttery technologies’ spelling
    • (I am :) - James) The capitals sound like you’re yelling
  • Notes
    • not sure what the purpose of this is

3. Navigation:

  • It's only a page, not too hard to find things

4. Headings:

  • The main title could be revised- tell Lonny

5. Topic sentences:

  • I think these were done very well, clear and prepares me for the rest of the section

6. Figures:

  • (James) The figures are of tables, so which are they? Either way they are not labeled, but are referred to in the text
  • It would be nice to have a couple visuals in there, I learn much better when I see it

7. References:

  • 8 References, 3 contributors, yes

8. Tables:

  • These are not done as text, they're kept as pictures (Ryan)

9. Length:

  • Overall good length, just strengthen the intro some

10. Last Words:

  • Very well done, nice pace, well written, interesting

LCA comments from Dylan Gray complete

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