HEIF campus energy monitoring
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This first topic sentence is rough. Be sure to think about transitions between sentences. The idea that is introduced at the end of one sentence, is usually the idea that starts the next sentence. Your writing skips ideas...
HEIF  HSU Energy Independence Fund, the campus energy monitoring is a project that proposes to create an intern position, on Humboldt State University, which would be responsible for collecting analyzing and publishing specific energy usage for campus and community use. The idea was to create a program that was similar to UC Davis where there is easy to access information that can be used. Previously it was though that electric and gas meters were not monitored and the information stored, however with the proposal of this project it was learned that in fact the data was stored. However the information was keep in a log book in HSU's Plant Operations, so that data was not available for student use.
Here are some proposed uses for the complied and analyzed energy data.
- developing baseline energy consumption estimates across campus
- identifying candidate buildings in need of more detailed evaluation
- prioritizing energy efficiency projects by their relative impact on energy use
- providing critical quantitative inputs for future HEIF proposals
- monitoring and quantitatively assessing the impact of energy efficiency retrofits and
- outreach programs funded by HEIF
- educating the HSU community about building energy efficiency and conservation
- planning, maintenance, and operational decision-making by Plant Operations
The concept of an internship should be introduced to the reader before this section. The internship concept should probably be introduced in "The Project". I do not think you mean to use "implored" in this section. You are switching between future and present tense, which is confusing. Stay in present tense if possible. No need to capitalize "Students" here. The last sentence of this section does not make sense.
The main goal of the intern would be, at a minimum, to collect and compile gas and electric data form the various building on campus. The intern would also implored to engage in outreach activities to get the information to staff, students and members of the community. Energy data is critical for HSU staff, faculty and students, however it is currently collected in an ad hoc fashion. Only Students would be eligible for hiring as the energy monitoring intern. The intern does not have to have set work hours, they can be completed when ever the student has time in between classes and other commitments. The current intern (Nathan Chase) is writing a the code for a program that will take the data the they Energy Monitoring Systems (EMS)
This is the first time you have mentioned Green Campus. You need to put Green Campus in context of this project. Be sure to read all editing codes, including W1. You could use "The intern is not responsible for community outreach" instead of "does not do much". Again this paragraph needs more work with transitions between sentences. You switch from Nathan, to HEIF back to Nathan again.
The intern is responsible for collecting the data that the EMS collects and putting it in an understandable form. The intern does not do much community outreach because Green Campus does and has more experience with community outreach. One of the projects that HEIF does to raise energy awareness is to have a building energy competition, to see which building is using more energy. Some of the goals which Nathan hopes to complete are;
- Create a new website for HEIF with better design and layout.
- Code a program to disseminate the raw energy data.
The first sentence is awkward. Avoid second person (you). ... "and have the technical qualifications which can be gained from completing ENGR 473". Again, you are switching tense between past and present. I encourage you to have a paragraph where all you talk about is what the current intern, Nathan Chase is doing... Another paragraph which discusses Duties in general and another that discusses Requirements in general.
To be eligible for the hiring as a Campus Energy Monitor you have to attend HSU and have technical qualifications which can be attended form attending ENGR 473. Nathan Chase said that on the day to day basis he had to sort out the raw data and understand how to navigate a computer, however now he is working on a program to do that for him. The hiring process to become the intern is a creative job description about what the intern whats to do with the job and then it gets submitted to Plant Ops. To get hired Nathan had to have skills with;
- Building retrofits
- Programing background
- Energy Retrofits
HEIF Energy Projects
Check the spelling of HEIF throughout. I am not sure this information is useful here. You can refer to HEIF at the beginning of your document.
One of the goals of the HEIF campus Energy monitoring is to make it easier to get find energy data on the different buildings so that energy projects and be more effective. To get a project accepted by HEIF one has to submit a project proposal to the HEIF board and then get a majority vote. The HIEF board is a majority of students. Any proposals that HEIF gets are broken into two categories;
Generation includes any proposal to create electricity, projects that fall into this category are;
- Gym and J Co-generation Units
- Art Buildings Photo-Voltic system
Efficiency programs are anything that reduces the amount of energy a building intakes.
- One of the projects is changing the lights in the library for more efficiency lights.
- L1 - See C12 Starting with a small flow chart is not that compelling. You could have a photo of students completing an energy audit. Start with a sentence that summarizes the purpose of your page.
- Your page has an international audience. Imagine someone from Japan reading your page. You need to put HSU and HEIF in context.
- Your heading in your list of Contents needs to be more specific so someone can learn about the project by just reading the headings.
- Review other HEIF related appropedia pages to get an idea.
- You need significant assistance with your writing. Be sure to work with folks at the writing center and with your instructors. Have friends read your page and suggest improvements.
- Your first paragraph under "The Project" requires significant revision.
- The list under "Uses" is good. Where did you get the list? Be sure to cite sources
- Be sure to read C9
- You do need some images. You could include photos of Nathan working. The captions can help tell the story.
- It is hard to know how much of this project is supposed to be about the internship itself, or the campus monitoring effort.
- Your peer editors have some excellent suggestions for additional content and for organizing your existing content. Why did not not take their advice?
- Be sure to get help with this project.