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Talk:Practivistas Chiapas improved cookstoves
Comments - Zach
General: Good job, tons of information. I like the references to your sources, very well done. This page is very thorough and I am impressed. I made a number of small edits to help coherence via sentence structure, without changing the meaning of any sentences. You can check these by looking at the page history. Also I edited some small formatting issues for you, which you can check in the history if you are curious.
In general, I would consider cutting some things out so that the parts that you would like to emphasise the most are represented the most. Read through the paragraphs out loud or to a friend to see if the wording is the way that best expresses your thoughts.
Also, there are some paragraphs that are really long, in general paragraphs should not be over 5 sentences with out a break. This helps people´s brains to break up the information into manageable chunks, and it helps you stay focused and consice in your langauge. The purpose of paragraps are to group sentences together around a common theme I edited the Background section to this effect as an example.
Spell check is your friend. There are some small spelling mistakes. Also check for mistakes in non-spellcheck words ie Majomut (not sure if i spelled that right-but you have differing versions of the spelling on your page).
Some of your references could use fixing. I´m glad you have them, though ; )
Project scope section - You said in your surveys it wasnt´t found to affect the flavor of traditional meals, please explain these surveys since it is the first time you mention them, or provide an internal in text link to the Survey section. Very well written otherwise.
Survey section - When it comes to survey analysis, numbers are important for statistical signifigance. Please give number of surveys, number of questions, and if possible the actual questions, method of delivery, etc. Transparency is what we are striving for. You found good info, however, you are reporting the results as your own facts instead of as testimony by the indigenous women that you questioned. While they may be completely true, remember you are trying to represent the women, not just what they said, so be clear that they said these things.
Criteria section - I would sort the Rankings by number, ie 10 on top, then the 9s etc. This makes your priorities clear.
Patsari and Lorena sections - Please include pics here of each, so we all know what you are talking about and can associate it with an image.
Un-bold the criticism part, unless you are really trying to emphasize it beyond everything else on the page. In computer land it sounds like you are raising your voice. (Which I don´t believe you mean to be doing.)
Materials and tools section - Figure out those question marks : )
Over all comments - Wow, amazing amount of work you guys have done. I would read through it all and make sure you are saying exactly what you are meaning to say. Obviously there are some formatting and completion issues that you will fill out as you finish the project. You are on the right track, keep up the good work and let me know if you have any questions.
And as Lonny has explained in class, as you flesh out your page, the lit review section will gradually be absorbed into your footnotes until it disapears. Do not have fear of deleting the references that you don´t end up needing. As I recall, Lonny stated that the more you delete in the end the better.
Keep up the awesome work.
--Z Estela 00:35, 1 August 2010 (UTC)
I have changed the references to put them in foot notes, wikipedia style. Looking at it now I'm not sure if it is better or not. What do you think?
The article title is "HSU Chiapas". Who is that ? Are they the authors of this? If so then we need to include an acknowledgement for where this came from but this shouldn't go in the page name. What are you aiming for with this page - Comparison of improved cook stoves? —The preceding comment was added by Joe Raftery (talk • contribs) 03:39 11 jul 2010
- Hi Joe,
- Great question. Thanks. This page is for students building cookstoves in the HSU Chiapas program. The cookstoves will be built here in Chiapas, so the page name is probably great. What is missing is a template header letting people know what is going on with this page. I will add it now. In addition, all the project pages as part of the HSU Chiapas 2010 Program now have (they didn't when you left your great question) a project description which would have answered your question as well.
- About the footnote style... I think it will work out very well as the students move their literature review topics into their actual project documentation. Actually, I may have students just use footnotes with all their content at this stage in the future.
- Thank you, --Lonny 20:14, 18 July 2010 (UTC)
literature review comments
Hi Cookstove Team,
Nice start. Here is some feedback.
- Be very careful: Health impacts section is currently plagiarism.
- community affect should be community effect
- Please work on the mainy typos
- local fuels
- Fuel basics
- common local stove types (w/photo?)
- Heat basics
- combustion science (stoichiometry)
- Earthen plasters
- Earthen construction
Fix your last image of a table. An actual table would be much better than an image. Also consider just linking to the information. If you must upload an image, make sure you use a unique name and do not overwrite someone else's image.
Your images must have sources listed. Edit the page of the image itself and say what the source is and what rights to share it has (for example Creative Commons - Share Alike and By Attribution). I made changes on the mainpage as well. You can use the history tab and compare changes to see the changes.
Thank you, --Lonny 20:22, 18 July 2010 (UTC)
Project Background/Objective Feedback
Good start, just needs polishing and references!
- reformat or remove image: "components de la esufa patsari"
- background on otros mundos as an organization
- provide link to otros mundos
- there is a "they problem", improve pronoun selection.
- First person is not preferred writing style, but it is acceptable if you want to continue with it
- first sentence is a run-on, too many commas, im confused.
- second sentence is not clear or grammatically correct.
- omit the name of the community for the time being, per Lonny's instruction.
- first sentence, second paragraph is awkward, maybe add a new sentence to convey the fact that the stove will be built in the home of a local resident.
- second sentence, second paragraph: reword suggested "The stoves....", also, are you saying both of the stove designs achieve these benefits? do you have references for these assertions?
- Third sentence, second paragraph: replace "they" pronouns.
- Add background information about existing cooking fuels and their drawbacks. Reference any assertions about indoor air quality and respiratory problems.
- Third paragraph: includes some good useful info that is perfect in a "background" paragraph. The personal tone of the paragraph doesn't work that well, the reasons for pursuing this project are good, can you present them differently?
- I recommend an objecive statement...a single sentence which reads "The objective of this project is to....."
- Provide a reference for ALL your assertations.
--Jeff Hinton 00:14, 19 July 2010 (UTC)
I understand that you want a project page but I think this information could be more useful if it was divided between a number of other pages
- General info added to Improved cook stoves. Have a close look at that page to see what you can add from your literature search.
- New page on Comparing cook stoves, with the testing and comparison information. Design the page so it can be extended by others to add other tests or other stove types.
If you were coming back to Chiapas next year what wouldyou want to do? Leave notes for the students who are coming next year.
Remember that the point of a wiki is that you can build on the work of others, you don't have to start from scratch each time.
--Joe Raftery 21:13, 8 August 2010 (UTC)